There’s been a picture riddle making its rounds on the internet lately. It was apparently used as a logic puzzle for school children during the Cold War, or the War of 1812, or maybe even after the Battle of Serenity Valley. It doesn’t matter when it was used. What matters is that this puzzle, riddle, quest, thing, was apparently used to determine which of the school kids were the smart ones, and which of the school kids were the ones who ate paint chips in the corner, and were later duct taped to the tether ball pole.
It apparently works like this. There is a drawing of a scene below of some kids that are obviously camping. All boys. I’m guessing that camping in the 1950s was a real sausage party. Anyway, there are a series of questions that you’re supposed to answer about the picture, which is featured below.
I thought I’d take a crack at this puzzle. Here we go.
1. How many tourists are staying at this camp?
Well, the picture shows three and implies there’s a fourth in the bushes. With that implication in mind there could be several more boys hiding in those bushes, doing what boys do in the bushes. Or there could be ninjas. How do you know there aren’t fucking ninjas in this picture? You don’t know. You can’t see ninjas. Or snipers. You can’t see snipers either until it’s too late. Next thing you know, a gillie suit-clad sniper, having Vietnam flashbacks, snaps and springs from the undergrowth, breaking the neck of that doofus paying way too much attention to his camera. Therefore, the correct answer is there could be dozens of people in this picture when you include ninjas and snipers.
2. When did they arrive: today or a few days ago?
They obviously arrived recently. That dude in the foreground is cooking with a smile on his face. This tells us that they still have plenty of food. They haven’t yet consumed all of their Twinkies, Slim Jims, and Red Bulls. There’s also a chicken there, pecking around the campsite like he owns the place without a care in the world. Who does that chicken think he is? Safe, that’s who he thinks he is. If the guys had been in camp for several days, food stores empty, you wouldn’t see a chicken in the picture. Just its gnawed-on bones. And maybe the bones of one of the other boys, as the extreme hunger would’ve force them to resort to cannibalism. Those boys should’ve binge watched all of Man vs. Wild before this trip. Bear Grylls is shaking his head in disappointment at them.
3. How did they get here?
One may think that they either hiked, or even used a kayak. However, that isn’t the case. Look at the clothes those little douche bags are wearing. Nice and tidy designer clothing. If they hiked, their clothing would be dirty and stained with mud, sweat, and tears. With their nice clothing, it implies that these are rich guys who have their own servants. So the answer to how they got to the campsite is by helicopter. Also, only one of those boys brought the oars. That little fucker thought ahead. He knew that they’d eventually be hungry and isolated, and that he’d have to eat one of his friends (note the cannibalism deduction above).
4. Is there a town nearby?
No. If there was then those rich kids wouldn’t have needed a helicopter to get there, now would they? Seriously, this isn’t that hard!
5. Where does the wind blow from: north or south?
What am I, a fucking weather man?
6. What time of day is it?
Judging by the fact that the picture is not…you know…dark, I’m going to go out on a limb and say…umm…day time? But what is time? People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect. But actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint it’s more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff. (hat tip to you if you understood this and where it came from)
7. Where did Alex go?
Jerking off in the woods.
8. Who was on duty yesterday?
Why does a casual campsite among all-male friends (sausage party) have a duty roster? It’s not like they’re expecting to raided by the Mongols. Unless of course, this small group of young men is actually a special forces team in disguise. Stay with me on this one. They have a duty roster and top-notch gear, so that right there implies that there is a military connection. Who else needs to keep a lookout for intruders inside a camp? The oars stacked against the tree show that perhaps this special forces team can move by water. They are amphibious. The boy in the background is photographing something. We don’t know what he’s taking pictures of. He could be engaging in reconaissance against a North Korean nuclear site. These boys could be Goddamned Navy Seals! Or they could just be really afraid of ninjas.
9. What date is it today?
Today it could be date palms. Maybe tomorrow it will be Sunsweet California-grown dates. Who knows what date it will be tomorrow of the next day? I’m unpredictable! Either way dates aren’t half bad of a snack.
I did my best to answer these grueling questions to the best of my ability. Please don’t duct tape me to a tether ball pole.